The inner critic- What is it and why do we have it.

Be aware of how you speak to yourself, because you are always listening.

Most, if not all of us have the ability to observe and judge our own behaviour.

Being self-critical is a part of being human sometimes, but how often are you doing this and how is it affecting your ability to see things for what they really are? Our inner critic stems from the beliefs we have about ourselves and the rules about how we think we ‘should’ be living. We have an inner critic because in simple terms, it is how we parent ourselves.

In our early years we are being constantly informed about who we are.

Being told how we should be behaving by our caregivers. Our experiences and relationships will be consciously and unconsciously telling us who we are. For example, ‘you are such a smart child’, or ‘you are such a lazy child’. ‘You are loved no matter what’ or ‘I only love you when you do as I say’. As children we internalise these messages, and they inform our inner critic.

These messages will shape the rules and beliefs we have about ourselves.

So, for example, if you are being told on a consistent basis that you are not good enough, that you can always be better, it would not be surprising if, as an adult, you feel pressure to be perfect and worry you are not doing enough all the time. This is because, as we become older and begin to self-govern, we use what we have internalised in our early years to create the ‘rules we live by’.

It is possible to befriend your inner critic. Think about your inner critic as the way you ‘parent’ yourself.  

Ask yourself, are you are harsh parent? A judgemental parent? Are you a forgiving parent? Can you show love and care when mistakes are made? Noticing the ways you talk to yourself is the 1st step in befriending it. I always ask my clients to be curious about their inner dialogue and how they are speaking to themselves. Most people do not even notice how mean they can be to themselves.

In summary, the inner critic is a protector, stepping when it senses we are vulnerable or at risk of breaking the ‘rules’.

Having a strict inner dialogue with yourself when going against these rules or beliefs, can lead to a harsh and punishing inner voice and can lead to experiencing anxiety, depression and low self-worth regularly in adulthood.

Befriending your inner critic is to Understand that who you are is ever changing, so the ‘rules’ we make are ours to change also and ultimately, they are not facts about you. Your experiences inform you; they do not define you.